My Little Korner of the World

It has been quite a year so far. When you go this long without updating a blog, it's hard to know where to start! Well, here goes...

The biggest thing going on in my life right now is that within the next few weeks I will be going to Vanderbilt to have surgery. Surprised? I was too! I found out a week ago, and now that it's sunk in I'm more than ready for it.

For the last year I've been dealing off and on with pain in my low back. I actually let Giselle take the blame for it, thinking that when we were leash training her she yanked something out of place (she used to jerk me really hard when I would try to walk her). I went to the walk in clinic here last year in April and they told me it was a muscle spasm, gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me on my way.

That seemed to help it for a while, but I would occasionally still have pain now and then. It got bad enough again that I went to the doctor (just a regular physician this time instead of the walk in clinic) last September and he pretty much said the same thing and refilled my muscle relaxers for me. Again, it seemed like it was working pretty well. The next month Landon and I started exercising more and trying to eat better and I was feeling pretty good that it was finally healing up.

We were doing good with our new routine that started in mid-October. It included going to the gym (I've never had a gym membership before now!) and it felt like I was really getting myself in good shape, so I thought it was helping me to build up that area of muscle where I was having the pain. I'd still have a day here and there with some pain, but it was greatly reduced and I was really excited about it.

Then came that day we got the first snow in early December. It was a Saturday and we were about to head to the gym (yes, we were dedicated!) and we were trying to clear the car off some. I was walking around the back of the car to get in the passenger side and I did not watch where I was going at all. There was a huge spot of ice right behind the car because it was early enough that the sun had not yet reached that part of the driveway to warm it up. I promptly lost my footing and slammed down on my left hip; and of course I was wearing those thin type of work out pants that have zero cushioning.

Well, I got through the day without feeling much different, but over the next few days began to just feel sore for much of the time, while also aggravating my back again. I couldn't sleep on my left side because it hurt too much, and it still hurts even now sometimes, but it's starting to get better. All this kept up so that I finally decided to schedule an appointment with a specialist to try to get this thing figured out!

It took a while to get in for the appointment (this doctor specializes in treating physical pain), so it was the middle of February before I could see him. He seemed to think along the same lines as the other doctor I saw, though I don't remember if he called it a spasm. He said that my body just needed some time to heal and that surgery there was not going to fix it. He prescribed physical therapy for me, which I began the next week or so and did once a week for one month.

That went SO well the first couple of weeks, so I was very hopeful that this was going to be it-this would be what would fix it.

However, over the last few months I had been getting extremely severe cramps every time my period showed up (sorry if that's TMI, but it's part of the story!). That is unusual for me, but I just assumed it was one of those times when it was sometimes more uncomfortable than others. That should have been a red flag to me when each month after that I kept getting the horrible cramps, but I kinda shrugged it off, even while I could barely get out of bed or off the couch for 2 entire days every month when it started.

So after 2 weeks of PT going great, Aunt Flo showed up and it was awful. I went back to having pain every day in my back and it was like all the progress I had made just fizzled out. My physical therapist didn't really know what to make of that, because it's obviously unusual to loose so much progress just over getting your period.

Well, my yearly check-up was that week anyway; so I figured I'd discuss it with my OB/GYN and I didn't really expect it to be any big deal. It turned out that she felt something odd when pressing on my stomach like doctors do, so she ordered an external/internal ultrasound for me that afternoon.

I have to say now that I was never worried, even at this point. I am actually kind of amazed that I was able to remain calm throughout all that happened afterwards because it was just so much to take in. I know in my heart that God was right there with me, and I truly believe it was Him holding me up and keeping me from becoming too emotional.

They found that I have a 13 cm cyst on one of my ovaries, and it needs to be removed pretty much as soon as possible. My doctor is such a sweet woman, and was very good at explaining everything to me. There are 2 kinds of cysts like this; simple and complex. Mine is the complex kind, and therefore could be either malignant or benign. They really think that mine is benign, but of course can't know 100% until it's removed and tested.

Even at this point I'm still staying calm and trying to think of anything vital that I should be asking, but it's so hard to do that while trying to grasp everything that is being explained to you. My doctor wanted me to get a CT scan, and she also referred me to an oncologist at Vanderbilt. An oncologist is a cancer specialist, but she said that although they think my cyst is benign, they have to consider all the possibilities and that is where I need to be should my situation go in the opposite direction. She also ordered a couple of blood tests for me, just to try to see if they could find any kind of inclination of cancerous cells. One of those tests came back already and the levels are elevated (whatever those levels are), but my doctor said that's normal because of the cyst.

I have had the CT scan, and she also said that looked good because they did not see any lymph nodes; if the lymph nodes showed up she said that would be a sign of cancer-so that's good news! I have to say that preparing for a CT scan really sucks. You can't eat for at least 4 hours before having it, which wouldn't be so bad except that by the time you actually get "scanned" more time than that has passed, in which you have to drink some white slop about the consistency of Pepto Bismol and I must say that it wasn't very "berry" flavored like the label claimed it was. I do, however, feel rather accustomed to being stabbed with a needle now (I've had 3 blood tests since September), but I NEVER watch them do that. They have to inject you with a dye to be able to see whatever they're looking at, and when the dye starts to get in there, it gives you a hot flash. Not at all cool, but at least I was warned beforehand!

Anyway, I'm still waiting to hear back from my doctor about that second blood test, and I go on the 1st to the specialist at Vanderbilt.

I am a little anxious about all of this, but more in a way of ready to get it over with and be back to myself. When I went to the physical pain doctor, they said my blood test indicated that I may have rheumatoid arthritis and recommended that I see a rheumatologist (oh the doctors I've been referred to lately!). However, my OB/GYN said that this cyst is definitely a large cause of my back pain because of it's size. It's pushing everything out of place and putting a lot of pressure on my back; so while she said we obviously can't rule out RA (rheumatoid arthritis), this cyst is first priority.

Once all this is behind me, I'll revisit the possible RA issue. But for now I'm actually relieved to have some answers. Most of you who know me know that I've wanted to have kids for a really long time, and Landon and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant with no success. This is the reason why, and I'm just glad to finally know it. My doctor said we should still be able to have a baby later because one of my ovaries is just fine, another reason to be thankful even though this seems like a huge mess.

I really do have a peace about this entire situation-the surgery and everything. I have known that God's hand has been on me my whole life, and I know He is with me now. I have asked Him "why" about so many things, especially the reason for my empty arms. I will never fully understand His ways, or why my journey has taken me this way, but I know He's got me. And I've got Him, and my family and a big group of people praying for me and believing with me that this is going to end in victory.

If you have read this far, I applaud you! Thank you for being a part of my journey.

The sermon series we're doing at church right now is called "One Month to Live", which is also carrying over into most of the small groups that are meeting during the week. It's obviously quite a lot to think about-what you would do differently if you knew your time here was about to be cut short. But I think the main thing we want to take away from it all is that you should live your life as if your time is limited-because in reality it is. Sometimes life feels long and complicated, yet it is "but a breath" (Psalm 39:5). Kinda puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

This Sunday's message was called "Leaving a Legacy". That really stood out to me, because while I've thought briefly about that before, I've never really given it a huge amount of thought. Of course I immediately thought of Nichole Nordeman's song called "Legacy" that came out several years back (I relate LOTS of things to music, so for now it's playing on the blog!), and decided to really listen to the lyrics after hearing the sermon. It's really a lot to think about! What am I doing today that will make an impact on those around me? Or on my husband, my family, or my future kids?

I remember when I was a little girl that I used to pray for God to "help me be a godly woman when I grow up". Of course I had heard that phrase from a loving adult in my life, and I didn't have much of a clue as to what it meant when I started praying it around age 8 or so. I still don't always get it right, but that is what I aspire to be. I have had many wonderful examples of godly women in my life, for which I am thankful to learn from. God has been so gracious to me! I have always been fortunate to have the support of a loving, Christian family. I have been deeply affected by the legacy of faith that my family has passed down to me-talk about an amazing impact!

This very cool verse also came up on Sunday-I have read it before but had forgotten it.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

That's my family's legacy, and what I want to carry on in my life.

Another very good point made was say the words that God wants you to say. That is something else that I know I don't always do right, and my musically inclined mind then thought of the song "Say" by John Mayer (hence, it also made the blog playlist). They even sang this song at the end of the service, so that was really cool in my opinion. Very simple concept, but it just resonated with me for some reason. Maybe it's because sometimes I figure I'll just be quiet instead of speak up-since that's what people may come to expect of my peaceful nature. Or maybe it's because I think that's what people expect of me. It was just a really good thing for me to think about. I was later listening to to the song at home and Landon commented that the song is "kinda repetitive". Yes, but it gets the point across!

Two more really good thoughts from the message are what I'll end with:

Are you living for all that God died to give you?

Will your life outlive you?